Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Going from cozy in my bed to sitting at my desk with a cup of coffee in 25 minutes. Yep, I overslept and yep I showered and I only sped a little on my way to work.

Broody morning skies.

Pumpkins on porches. Halloween is for almost everyone and I love seeing all the participation.

 

There will be a game five on the Brewer's home turf. I'm telling myself this is the divine plan so they can clinch the division in Milwaukee.

Miss Bit will be starting her big girl life with a job after graduation. She received a very nice offer from the firm she interned with last summer. In the mean time with the what's next question answered, she can really enjoy her senior year.

 

She will be in Milwaukee!

It was a good and full week.

Monday night date with my guys. Ted got us tickets to the Brewer game so we took him to dinner before.

Mike made a batch of some of the best chili I've ever had. Jess made an impromptu stop Wednesday just in time for dinner.

Lots of Jess time. She bribed me to see the Taylor Swift movie Friday by promising dinner after. I enjoyed the movie enough to pop for the bill...it was my turn. That Taylor is a boss.

Mike washed and waxed all three cars Sunday.

I found my Li Bien ornaments. They sell them at World Market now so the tradition Nanny started will continue. 

Mischievous Murph. It's a good thing she's so stinkin' cute! Next weekend we are cat sitting. Four cats will be quite an adventure. We'll also have a houseful of girls. Nothing makes me happier than a full house.

 

Grateful Friday

Today I give thanks for...

Probiotics. They work.

Cheese and crackers for dinner. It's my go to when I'm home alone.

Leftover Mama Mia's. Loie loaded us up when she was here and we're still working on all the Italian comfort food.

New PJs. It's been awhile since I found a pair that I look forward to putting on at night. The Gap gets it right because they sell them as separates. I can get petite pants and a long shirt. That's my perfect pair.

A handy man to get shit done.

Sunday night football and Sunday family dinner.

 

Memory Lane drives. Loie and I went down the rabbit hole. So many old haunts.

Makeovers. My aunt understands make up. I do not. She gave me some good tips and I just happened to have the very same system she has. I'm thinking she recommended it to me.

Spring water my dad pumped outta the ground. It is so clean and delicious!

Swinging Door sammies. The pork chop with Brussel's was the bomb. A late lunch with Ted and Meryl a treat. Loie finally met the fam's latest additions: Meryl, Manny and Murphy.

 

True crime. My faves 20/20 and 48 Hours are back with new content.

Lavender. My aunt brought me fresh dried from her yard and a pretty bowl to keep it in. I have it next to my bed for sweet dreams.

Gus caught a mouse last night. He caught it several times. We were trying to get him to release it so we could scoop it up, but Gus was faster. The poor little guy finally high tailed it underneath the refrigerator. In the wee hours he came out and was caught again. This is Gus since the successful cat and mouse game. He will not take his sight off the frig. I'm waiting for him to crash.

 Hazel has her eyes on the flowers!

Another date with Jess tonight. Who are we go out girls?!

Lots of good games for our Wisconsin teams this weekend. 

 

October 2...A Sad One

The sun didn't make sense this morning after I read Lily's text. Her close friend and roomie lost her mother overnight. We knew it was imminent, but I know all too well that we can never be prepared for a loss of this magnitude. It levelled me when I was forty. K will turn twenty-two tomorrow. My heart is breaking for her. Them.

For some reason I was overcome with emotion when I saw a crane in flight. Maybe it was my skyward gaze, the majestic bird flying alone, or the song in cue:

Our love turns to rust

We're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
Oh, and I see love
See our love turn to rust
Oh, we're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
Oh, when I go there
I go there with you

It's all I can do 

I ugly cried my way to work as I sang out of tune. For some reason the car is my ground zero. 

Seventeen years and three days ago was a similarly sunny day. I remember feeling the incongruity of the sky's brightness and the dark cloud that was my stark new reality. Life as usual felt like a personal assault on my grief. I couldn't fathom laughing, singing, playing, just enjoying life again, but slowly, shyly I did. This loss isn't about me, and yet I am feeling it viscerally. 

Today is a sad day.

October First

I was about to scoot out the door when I got the no power at the office call. Stay home. I've been trying to get to work earlier. Trying being the operative word here. This morning was rough. I'll spare details, but it had to do with staying up too late and my alarm and this gray morning that begged more sleep. 

I resisted and for that I'm grateful. Now I had the whole day ahead of me...a welcome blank slate. I sat with my coffee taking in the neighborhood sounds as delivered on the morning breeze. The expected drone of so many lawn mowers and the chipmunks chirp chirping away. Dog calls from every direction. All normal and then piercing sounds of skeins of geese remind me that despite the warm summer weather, here we are at the first of October.

It's my favorite month for many reasons...all of them good. I rallied for a stop at the farmer's market I have not paid a single visit to this summer. It used to be a weekly ritual. I was on a mission for tomatoes and I was picky. I haven't had a tomato sandwich yet this summer and that's all that was on my mind. I found a basket of beauts and a loaf of multi-grain bread from a local baker. Some green beans and zucchini too. In the next few weeks, I'll stock up on squash. When picked fresh from the ground and kept in a cool, dark place, they last for months. 

I felt like a drive. My country road color tour landed me at the apple farm. It's a family tradition to spend an afternoon picking our own, but I really wanted a half peck of Blondies and I knew what was left would be in the barn. There's still plenty of fruit on trees so there is a very good chance we'll be back later in the month to stock up for the winter. Fresh picked apples last for months too when stored in the frig. I'm sensing a theme here...the need to stock, nest and rest. Sounds about right.

The sandwich was well worth the wait and messy. The juicy ripe tomato tasted like summer. I vow to be.here.now every day of October. Here's to fall!  

 

A Few Words That Mean A Lot

I stopped at the store on my home this evening for some essentials: baby food for Gus who we're fattening up after recent sickies, chocolate milk, spinach and eggs. My diet is strange when I'm solo. I'm solo. Mike is at a work event this week and my aunt left yesterday. I cried when I dropped her off. She did too. Not knowing when we'll be together again makes me blue, but a trip to Arizona is in our very near future. We just have to plan it. I drove through the city after parting and one song after another seemed cued up just to keep the flood gates open. I welcomed the tears. Seventeen years ago Sunday was the last time I saw my mom. Last night Jess wanted to know if I had any signs this week. I couldn't say yes. I couldn't say no. I've been too preoccupied with eeking out every minute of family time to receive anything less than a lightning bolt, and that's the way it should be. Here. Now. And it goes without saying that my mom is always on my mind and in my heart.

It helped that after all the togetherness...Ted and Meryl came Sunday in time for the Packer game and food. The choriqueso was ready when they arrived and we ate it all up. They curled up on their couch for the length of the game including overtime. I sent them home with all the leftovers and food I didn't get the chance to cook last week and that made us all happy. Our team didn't win. They tied, but we had fun cheering and arm chair QBing.

Lils and I connected last night. She was in La Crosse for Oktoberfest so she did not get any Loie time. We didn't get any Lily time. Next time. Senior year is off to a happy start. I don't know that she's thinking in lasts. I hope not, but I am. It's the way I'm wired. Lily is living life right now to the fullest and that brings me big huge joy. Contact joy. Yes, I live vicariously once in awhile. As parents, it's our right to bask in their happiness as if it's our own.

Tomorrow is my frister Candace's birthday. She was one of my mom's closest, most true friends. Not long ago she sent me this picture that puts the biggest smile on my face. I'd never seen it. Both of these chicas are such a gift and presence in my life. Happy birthday Candace! Hoping you are surrounded by love and light Mom. You are both guiding lights in my life and with all my heart I love you ladies. 

 

Grateful Friday Rambling

Life has been good and full. That has me flummoxed that September days are waning. And so noticeably shorter. The first day of my favorite season came and went without much thought. I blame it on the warm bonus summer-like days and just being occupied, thus distracted. My front porch is a mish mash of last season's leggy blooms and warty pumpkins I try, but cannot resist. Every morning I pass a row of a dozen maples that are trading in their green for oranges and reds day by day. It's just a block, but the trees that are the furthest north take a little more time to turn. For some reason, I notice and feel the need to document this fall after fall. It's such a poignant symbol of change.

My aunt is here this week and I never anticipated what a blessing the timing of her visit would be. I don't want to say I'm not thinking about my mom...we've been talking about her and reminiscing and that has brought a lightness to the levity that usually defines this week. Seven days between her birthday and her last day...sixty years young. 

We took off the band aid and went to church last Sunday. It's been on my mind after a hiatus much longer than I care to admit or excuse. The strong pull was partially to feel close to my mom on her birthday and also to feel my faith in this time of despair. We have a new priest who is all fire and brimstone. He didn't really venture far from the parable of the day and I was so hoping to get some hope to get me through the here and now. All was good though because the whole fam dam was in the house. Candace too, but she's family as well. I had a cathartic cry after communion, lit a candle for McGurk and hugged all my peeps. It was more nourishing than the brunch we had post mass, but that was good too.

Friday we celebrated my dad's 78th.  Two family meals in one weekend was a gift for all. He always says no presents, but then he's always tickled by the things we feel no pressure to find. No gifts is for the birds. True graciousness is the act of thankful, heartfelt reception. 

Speaking of which, Jess called me last week in the middle of the workday. She never calls during office hours so I answered. She invited me to dinner, but gave me every out. It made me confront the fact that I've declined a lot lately. I'm grateful I said yes. We had a lovely belated birthday dinner on a twinkle-lit patio on a beautiful night. They had to gently suggest we leave because we were lingering. We vowed to do more of this.

I can't remember the last time I went out this much in one week. I've become an unapologetic and very happy homebody. I was planning to host family dinner Wednesday, but my sister-in-law suggested we venture downtown.I surprised myself by how quickly I said yes and never regretted it for a single second because we so enjoyed the city lights from the roof top and then traipsing around the club we used to frequent...The Elephant Room the Bali Room, The ballroom. And without saying...being together. It goes without saying, but there...I said it because we should.

We have a full weekend ahead. Plans are in flux, and that's okay. It doesn't much matter what we do...just that we do do.

wtf?

It's been a strange stretch of days. I didn't see anyone or leave the house for days and that's the way I wanted it. Honestly...the way I needed it. The senseless events of the last week affected me viscerally. Charlie Kirk's murder was an outright attack on our first amendment rights, on Democracy and decency. I was rendered speechless by the brutal slaying. Then the lack of humanity shown by so many in the public eye and trolls hiding behind their screens on social media in the wake of the attack, made me sick to my stomach. This is very dangerous territory we are approaching and I fear for outcomes I cannot breath life to. So I'm mad and sad and scared that we are okay with violence against people with whom we disagree and comfortable with evil when we feel it is warranted. From where I sit, murder is never to be condoned and evil must always be abated.

But truth be told...the world's felt extra weighty for weeks. September so often does. It's already full of landmines so I cannot explain why I decided to go through boxes of mementos...letters, cards, pictures and decades worth of journals. I have decades of journals, but I didn't get through a single year. My teenage girl penmanship takes time to decipher, but it's also emotionally draining to go back...sometimes hilarious and often cringy too! It's such a clear reminder that given the chance, I'd stay right where I am.

Years ago, I decided I would read my journals chronologically. I didn't get very far before rethinking that endeavor. Well, I'm going to try again. Hey, at least I'm reading. In full disclosure...it may take me a year, but I'm committed to read before burning. There will be a fire.

So where am I? What's next? Who are we? How do we move forward? So many questions and very few answers, and that's why I'm hog-tied, tongue-tied and in knots.